Facing Loneliness...
I have caring friends, a loving family, a good life - of all people in the world feeling alone - it wouldn’t (shouldn’t) be me. But yet, for a few years I’ve had this pervasive sense of feeling LONELY. My attempts to overcome these feelings of isolation have been to avoid them at all costs by binge watching funny Instagram reels or dramatic Netflix shows until I’m distracted from feeling anything at all. One might think - why don’t you just call someone who cares about you…? Well, funny story is that feelings of loneliness actually make you feel quite vulnerable - so - in attempts to shield yourself from any possible further rejection from others, you isolate. Great, right? Feeling lonely - now run and hide. (Check this video for confirmation: video ) And to be honest with you - I can’t say I was aware of my feelings of loneliness for some time. I didn’t grow up labeling feelings or getting my feelings validated. It has taken me some time to understand that what I was feeling was actually loneliness and then even longer to validate it for myself.
A report from 2020 from Cigna (the health insurance company) stated that 3 out of 5 Americans felt lonely in 2018 - pre-pandemic(!). [Article] It has increased drastically to become a full-scale epidemic since COVID-19 hit. Study after study shows that loneliness rates have risen. With that being publicized continuously, why does it feel like an alien concept that Americans are feeling chronically lonely and that I was part of the statistic! First, I had to come to the reality of being OKAY with this feeling and admitting it to myself was the foundational step. With no judgement - giving myself space to feel loneliness. Now that I could admit I was feeling lonely, I started sharing with others my recurrent predicament. I had mentioned it to friends multiple times over the summer of 2020, and they made attempts to check in more often. But it was a bit more profound than just a check in, I think. I had to dig a little deeper because it kept popping up. It wasn’t until these last few months, that I could better assess, and validate, these feelings of loneliness for myself. Though there has been different causes of - and it would be beneficial to understand what causes it for each individual person - I can say it has definitely been related to my ability to feel heard/validated by myself, and sometimes, others.
Desert Rach
What does loneliness feel like? It feels like no matter how many people I have around me… I seem to consistently have moments where I do not feel seen, understood, validated, or connected. This happens from more than just one relationship, and adds up across the spectrum, over time. Factor in the fact I have started isolating from feeling these mini rejections that miss the mark from the connection I was hoping for - they add up, they add up some more - and then boom! I’m left feeling pretty lonely. Naturally, my tendency to avoid hits first, and then the loneliness lingers and I’m left at a crossroads of: doing the same thing I always do (which has not solved it) OR take a little deep dive to discover what could possibly be triggering this persistent feeling of seclusion.
This has led me on a journey to discover the triggers of loneliness and what I can do about it:
First, recognizing and validating myself that I’m feeling lonely and it is OKAY. No matter what.
Second, figuring out where I can ask others for their support:
Requesting the desire to just be listened too - no advice - and making sure I ask permission to use their time
Asking for my close friends to be better validators of my feelings when I express them and remembering to give my people time to get better at this
Connecting with others by listening and validating them
Thirdly, stop myself from avoiding hard feelings by diving in - head first - to see what I can do to help myself feel less lonely. Some things I’ve noticed that have helped me!
Hiking - my long time friend. The steeper the better. I get all the dirty laundry cleaned out from my head, and give myself time to express all the things that I can’t deal with while I’m busy living day-to-day duties. If you’ve done any amount of therapy, there’s this parenting your inner child theory that really comes into play for me, as I’m usually throwing a tantrum while on the trail, but it allows myself the space to grieve, celebrate, etc.
Please note that I don’t physically throw a tantrum - I do that at home with my door shut. ;) This is an emotional tantrum that is thrown when scaling the mountain walls of Phoenix. It’s done in my head/heart. Sometimes tears are shed, sometimes I stomp up the mountain a little harder than usual, sometimes it’s all in my thoughts.
I love to connect with others - so being intentional about meeting new people, getting my close friends on consistent phone call schedules, and hanging out with friends I don’t get to see all the time each week/month.
Journaling - taking 5-15 minutes and just pouring out what I am feeling into my journal app on my phone. This gives me a chance to get those thoughts out and generally I can find little nuggets of an idea in there that can help lead me to less solitude.
I realize there is not a one-size fits all kind of solution to feeling lonely. This is what has helped me . I have made many discoveries in the last year about being more direct when I am needing support, for example, asking for a friend to just listen and validate when I have something on my chest that I need to share. I really need that a lot to be honest. And in that, I have learned who is willing to hear me out, and I talk about those things with that particular person. I respect that some people cannot, and will not, ever hear what I have to say. I know where not to go when I have particular feelings to share. Another thing that’s been huge for me in the last year is realizing the responsibility I have with myself. I am capable of taking care of a lot of the emotions and feelings I have, validating them, and dealing with them on my own. Yes, having validation from others does feel good - but it is not always necessary. Allowing myself to feel any feeling, and then take the steps that need to be taken to lead to a healthier result. In this case, more connection. :)
Thanks for your time and I hope this has helped or entertained.
- Rach